


Missing You Comes in Waves (Tonight I'm Drowning)

by shanachie



Series: Love Letters 'Verse [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck misses Eddie so much, Chris misses his Buck, Emails, Heartache from missing someone, M/M, Text Messages, but he hasn't gotten to talk to him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25138888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shanachie/pseuds/shanachie
Summary: Buck would like to just get this over with, but now he has his sister and then can get to work.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1)
Series: Love Letters 'Verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805962
Comments: 23
Kudos: 81





	1. Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this up. I'm going crazy with school stuff. And then I got distracted by other pretty. So hopefully it'll take less time...

After Buck left the house, he took a short walk around town. It’d been eleven years since he’d been home and a lot had changed. Finally he found an old diner that seemed to have a good concentration of people and got lunch. It wasn’t a meal by Bobby by any stretch, but it was a decent amount of food and filling.

As he finished up lunch, he realized he needed to head to the funeral home to make the arrangements. He’d told Maddie he would take care of it when he got there so they could have their parents buried in a timely manner.

Entering the funeral home, Buck was struck by the peacefulness of the place. Soothing colors and music were designed to make the mourners relax without pressing in on them the reasons they were present. Buck found himself looking at two sets of stairs and paused for a moment to decide which way he needed to move. As he was about to take the up staircase, a man in a dark suit hurried out of a side room Buck hadn’t noticed. He cursed himself for the inattentiveness, but plastered a semblance of a smile on his face as the man reached him. “Good afternoon,” the man said smoothly before Buck could open his mouth. “I’m Mr. Ford. How may I assist you?”

“I’m Bu—Evan Buckley,” Buck responded. “I think I have an appointment?” The smoothness of the man tied his tongue up in a way he hadn’t felt in years.

“Ah, yes, Mr. Buckley.” The man nodded. “I believe your appointment is with Mr. Kelly. If you’ll follow me?”

Buck nodded sharply and stepped aside to let the man lead the way.

The man led him downstairs and knocked on the first closed door at the bottom of the stairs. “Mr. Kelly? Your appointment is here,” he said after opening the door.

“Come in, please.” The man in the office was silver-haired, but that was the only thing that betrayed his age. Buck wouldn’t have been surprised to see him as a hiking or tour guide. Instead, he stood before Buck in a three-piece suit. In other circumstances, Buck would feel underdressed, but he just wanted to get this over with. “Mr. Buckley, I’m sorry we’re meeting under these circumstances.”

Buck didn’t quite shrug his comment off, but he gave a half-smile. “Did you get the paperwork from Maddie?”

“Yes. I have the letter that says you can make decisions. Normally we would wait until she could be here, but she was quite clear that you could handle everything.”

“I know what Maddie wants and doesn’t want.” Buck took the seat Kelly indicated, asking, “Were there any provisions from my… parents?”

The man handed a brochure across to Buck as he said, “Your parents left a trust that will cover all but the most ostentatious funeral. The booklet will give you options if you have no ideas.”

Buck glanced at the brochure before setting it on the desk in front of him. “I talked with Maddie and we’re in agreement. Visitation for no more than three hours, a simple service here at the funeral home. Then if it doesn’t contradict anything they chose, they need to be sent for cremation and interment.” He took a breath. “If there isn’t a way to intern them at the family plot… we’ll deal with that.”

“Mr. Buckley, that seems rather…” He cleared his throat, clearly not wanting to dissuade a customer. “Surely we can make it a little more meaningful.”

Buck really wanted to reply with _Look I'd just toss them in the lake if I could, but then I'd get arrested for littering. So we'll go with this._ What he said out loud was, “I haven’t seen them in almost twelve years. If they didn’t have any wishes about how they wanted to go into eternity, they need to deal with what my sister and I choose.” He paused to allow it to sink in. “And if your funeral home isn’t going to allow that, we can see about taking them elsewhere.”

“The will specified here,” the man started.

Buck raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware you’d seen the will. My sister and I certainly haven’t.”

“I… I didn’t say I’d _seen_ the will, sir. Mr. David notified us so we could arrange for the… transfer.”

Buck nodded, sharply. “So can we finish this?”

Mr. Kelly didn’t offer any more protests and quickly gathered the paperwork, walking Buck through the plans.

Buck took a deep breath as he exited the funeral home. He wanted to call Eddie, wanted to take comfort in his partner’s voice. More than anything he wanted to drive to the airport and take the first flight out of here. But he couldn’t leave Maddie to deal with it on her own, couldn’t let her face this alone. She’d been strong for him, he needed to be strong for her. Even if he’d much rather be home and running errands before a new shift.

Checking his watch, he calculated the time difference, and realized Christopher was still in school. He wanted to call anyway, just wanted to hear Eddie’s voice, but he also didn’t want to make it more difficult on either of them. He knew Eddie would be happy to hear from him, but he couldn’t bring himself to call. Instead he wandered down the street.

By the time he returned to the hotel, it was long past dinner time here, so far past that it was dinner time at home. Stopping at the front desk, he ordered a burger and fries to be delivered to the room. Then he headed up to the suite.

A quick shower did a lot to clear his mind. Out of the bathroom, he pulled on a pair of pajama pants and Eddie’s sweatshirt. He was settling it into place as there was a knock on the door. “Room service!” a voice called.

“Hang on!” Buck replied. He hurried over to the door, opening it, and saying, “I’ll take it. Do I need to sign?”

“Yes, sir.” The man offered the pad and Buck scrawled his signature, handing it back. “Enjoy your dinner, sir.”

Buck closed the door and wheeled the cart over to the recliner, setting it so he’d be able to reach it once he was seated. Setting his phone up, he scrolled through his contacts until he found the one he wanted. While he waited for it to connect, he grabbed some fries.

 _“Buck!_ Christopher screamed when he answered the phone. _”How was the plane? Is it cold? When’s Aunt Maddie getting there?”_

Buck laughed, feeling an easy smile come to his face for the first time. “It was _planes_ , buddy. And it was a long trip, but I got here. It’s not really cold, it’s summer here, too. I’ll get Aunt Maddie tomorrow.” He took a bite of his hamburger and swallowed before asking, “What did you do today?”

Christopher launched into a story about his day, filling Buck in as the man chowed down on his meal. Finally the boy ran down and he asked, _“When are you coming home, Buck? Daddy’s sad and I miss you.”_

Buck’s face crumpled. “I know, Chris. I miss you guys, too. But Aunt Maddie and I have to do this. But, hey, I was thinking I could talk your dad into coming back here for a vacation. All three of us. They’ve got a factory here where you can make your own candy bar.”

Christopher cheered and launched into a series of questions about what else there was to do in Pennsylvania. Buck answered them as best he could until he heard Eddie calling from the other room. _”Do you want to talk to Daddy, Buck?”_

“No, Chris, I’ll call him tomorrow.”

Christopher’s eyes narrowed. _”Did you and Daddy have a fight?”_

Buck laughed softly. “No, Chris, we didn’t have a fight. It’s just adult stuff.”

Christopher didn’t look convinced, but he cheerfully bid Buck good-night. Buck switched to his text messages when they’d hung up and sent Eddie a quick message. _I talked to Chris, but I’m not in a mental place where I can talk now. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you._

Setting the room service cart outside the room, he turned in. Morning would come sooner if he slept.


	2. Wednesday

Buck had an uneasy night. He kept almost waking up and reaching for Eddie, then waking up completely when he didn’t find him. Finally he dragged himself out of bed and to the shower, knowing he had a few hours before he needed to go to the airport and pick Maddie up.

He tried to read on his phone for a few minutes, but soon gave up, deciding to head down and get some breakfast. He picked at his food, but managed to choke down enough to classify as eating a meal. After he finished eating, he sipped at his coffee, watching the people entering and leaving the small cafe. When two women came in, a little boy holding their hands and occasionally swinging from their grip, he couldn’t take it anymore and got to his feet.

In the elevator, he decided it was late enough and as soon as he got back to the room, he was hitting the speed dial for Eddie. He took a deep breath as the phone rang twice before Eddie answered, _“Hey, you.”_ Buck breathed a soft sigh of relief just hearing his partner’s voice.

“Hey, Babe, sorry, I know you’re at work,” Buck told him. He knew Eddie was working, knew it was probably the worst time, but he just needed to hear Eddie’s voice. 

_“It’s okay, we were just having breakfast. How are you?”_ Eddie’s voice was soothing in Buck’s ear.

Buck shrugged, even though Eddie couldn’t see him, and made his voice sound as nonchalant as possible. “As well as can be, I guess.”

 _“We miss you.”_

Buck gripped his phone harder, wishing he could reach through and touch Eddie. “I miss you both, too. I’m just on my way to pick up Maddie at the airport. How’s Chris?” He didn’t feel too bad about lying to Eddie, he still had a couple hours before he needed to get Maddie, but he didn’t want Eddie worrying when the other man was on shift.

 _“Missing his Buck.”_ Eddie’s laugh sounded bitter and strangled. Buck wanted to soothe him, but knew Eddie wouldn’t want it.

“I miss him, too,” Buck admitted. He didn’t want to delve into just how much he missed his Diaz boys, knowing it wasn’t something Eddie needed to hear as he was starting a shift. “I just wanted to call and say be safe.”

 _“You, too,”_ Eddie’s voice was soft and then Buck could hear the alarm through the phone. He felt a spike of adrenaline, but tapped it down, sternly reminding himself he was across the country.

“Love you!” he said quickly, not wanting Eddie to hang up until he heard it. 

_“Love you, too!”_ Eddie promised and then the line was empty.

Buck dropped his phone on the table, throwing his head back to rest against the back of the couch as he tried not to scream.

Heaving himself to his feet, Buck headed into his bedroom, changing quickly into gym clothes. He still had another two hours before he had to leave to pick up Maddie. The gym here wouldn’t offer the weights and equipment that the firehouse did, but at least he could get some sort of workout in. It wouldn’t do to get out of shape while he was here, Eddie would ride him hard if he did and not in a fun way. If nothing else, he’d get a good run in.

His muscles were feeling pleasantly sore by the time he headed back upstairs to shower and change again. He quickly cleaned up, then headed out to the car, and towards the airport.

Heading into arrivals, he scanned the emerging passengers for a glimpse of his sister. Using all of his height to his advantage, he finally located her just on the other side of the gate. Pushing his way gently through the other people, he met Maddie as she exited the gate. Her solemn countenance lightened when she caught sight of him and Buck reached out, enfolding her in his arms. “I got you, Mads,” he whispered, holding her and protecting her against the buffering of the other passengers.

Maddie clung to his shirt, holding onto him as tightly as he held her. “I’m sorry I made you leave first,” she said. “I didn’t think how bad it would be.”

“We got each other now,” Buck replied. “It’s not the same, but we’ll do this.”

Maddie laughed softly, the sound a bit wetter than usual, and finally released Buck. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her phone. “I have new pictures.”

Taking the phone, Buck began to scroll through the pictures of his niece as they walked through the airport towards baggage claim. “I think she grew since last Thursday,” Buck commented.

“She probably did,” Maddie answered. “I think she gains five pounds each day.” She nudged Buck with her shoulder, rocking backwards as he didn’t move. “That’s mine!” She pointed towards her bag.

Buck handed her the phone back before stepping forward and grabbing the bag. Slinging his arm around her shoulders, he guided her out of the airport.

By mutual decision, Buck headed towards the house. He knew Maddie needed to see it and it was better to get it over with. Parking in front of the house, he said, “I already did a walk through.”

“I still need to see for myself,” she said.

Buck hurried around the side of the car and helped Maddie from it. Hand in hand, the Buckley siblings headed towards the house they’d grown up in.

Maddie let out a sigh as they entered the hotel suite. “I can’t believe our rooms haven’t changed. I wonder what made Mom do that.”

Buck shrugged. “Who knows what was going through her mind. You wanna get room service for dinner?”

“And a movie?” Maddie suggested.  
“Sounds like a good idea.” Buck motioned towards the second bedroom. “Go settle in.”

“I’m going to call Howie,” Maddie said, “and then I’ll be right out.”

While Maddie called Chimney and did what she needed in her bedroom, Buck called for dinner and then changed into his sweats and Eddie’s sweatshirt. When she came back out, she smirked a little at his clothes. “Is that Eddie’s sweatshirt?” she asked.

Buck rolled his eyes. “Yes. But I didn’t pack it.”

Maddie raised an eyebrow at that, but refrained from saying anything else. She’d tease him about it when it wasn’t such a touchy subject.

A few minutes later, they were settled in the common area with shrimp and pasta as Maddie flicked through the channels, looking for something to watch. Settling on what seemed to be a mindless comedy, she curled up next to Buck. Tomorrow would be a long day.


	3. Thursday

Buck woke early the next morning, stretching for a minute before locating his tablet. Maddie wouldn’t be awake for hours and they didn’t have anything scheduled until they met with the lawyer at one pm and then did another walkthrough of the house. He’d need another workout before they left, but he had time to start his letter to Eddie.

_My darling, dearest, Eddie,_

_I’ve been thinking a lot since I’ve been away from you. And each day just makes me glad I made the choice I did. No matter what happens, I will_ always _choose you. I will choose you because I am completely lost without you._

_And if you’d told me the day I met you that this would be my life, I would have laughed in your face. God, Eddie, that day. I’m not sure if I’m embarrassed or what about my actions, about my feelings._

_I said I would have laughed in your face… but I’d be lying. That first glimpse of you, sweating and inadvertently flexing as you put your shirt back on. If we had been in any other place, I probably would have dropped to my knees right then. And then I was a complete asshole to you._

A knock on the doorframe caused him to look up. “Hey,” she said. “You interested in breakfast?”

“I could eat,” he agreed. “Restaurant or room service?”

“Let’s do the restaurant,” she decided. “I’m sure we’ll want to be alone later.”

“Okay. Give me five minutes to get dressed.”

“Take your time,” she said. “Not all of us are trained to strip and change in under five minutes.”

“Hey, it comes in handy sometimes,” he called after her.

Her reply of “I don’t want to know!” floated back to him.

After breakfast, Maddie decided to accompany Buck to the gym. While he did a cycle on the rowing machine and the elliptical, she took on the stairmaster. When he finished and moved to the treadmill to run, she took the one beside him and walked while he ran. Every so often their glances met and they exchanged soft smiles.

Buck threw an arm around Maddie’s shoulders as they walked towards the elevator. “Ew, Buck. How do you get this sweaty?”

“I’ve gotta work to look this good,” he teased. “A little sweat happens.”

She laughed as she pushed him away. “Well, don’t get your sweat all over me.”

It was their last laugh as they slogged through the afternoon. The meeting with the lawyer turned into explanations of death certificates and timelines and the Buckley siblings arguing that they needed to be back within the month.

The walk-through of the house was both easier and harder than they anticipated. They had both already been to the house which meant there were no surprises, but the lawyer would pause every so often to question them about a specific item. By the time they left, Buck was understanding Eddie’s need to hit the heavy bag.

“Dinner?” Maddie asked as they headed back to the hotel.

“I’m… gonna take a run first,” Buck decided. “If you’re hungry, go ahead and eat.”

He was headed back from his run, a few miles longer than he should have gone, when his phone rang. Seeing it was Christopher, he answered immediately, “Hey, bud.”

 _“Buck, when are you coming home?”_ Christopher immediately asked.

“Not for a while,” Buck admitted. “We talked about this before I left.”

 _“I miss you._ Dad _misses you.”_

“I miss you guys, too, but I have to take care of this stuff. You wouldn’t want me to leave Aunt Maddie all alone, would you?”

 _“No,”_ Christopher said slowly. His tone got lighter as he said, _“Guess what I learned today!”_

“Rhinoceros's eat cabbage,” Buck guessed, delighting in the laughter from the other end of the phone. “Tell me.”

Christopher’s words tumbled over themself as he explained atoms and protons and Buck finished walking back to the hotel.

After dinner, Buck excused himself from watching television with Maddie and retired to his bedroom. Before he picked his tablet up again, he sent a text to Eddie. **I’ve talked to Chris twice since I got you and you barely once. I miss you. Any chance we can talk tomorrow night?** He waited a few minutes for a reply, then picked his tablet up again and re-read what he had written earlier before continuing.

_I’d say I didn’t know what I was doing when I got in your face, but I was fully aware. I wanted you to notice me. I wanted you to like me. And instead… I almost made you hate me._

_You called me badass after the grenade. But you? You were so cool. So calm. It was like… I don’t even know. I think I started falling in love with you that day, that moment. I hadn’t then and still haven’t now seen someone as badass as you. I’m so proud to call you my love._

_I am so happy each day that I get to call you mine. And so thrilled to know that one day soon I’ll get to call you mine forever. And with that in mind, don’t forget to cancel the meetings for the venues. I don’t want you to have to explain where your other half is._

Buck re-read the letter, laughing to himself at the last line.

_I know that last line wasn’t in the rest of the vein of this, but I’m not home to tell you these things. I miss you, my love. And I’m already counting the days until I can be home in your arms._

_Love always,  
Your Evan_

Sending the email, he got up to get ready for bed.

The funeral was scheduled for tomorrow.


End file.
